I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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