Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
You ruined the universe
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
