It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
