Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
3pm strippers are depressing
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
