How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
