drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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