Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Randomize
