fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
