I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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