His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
