I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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