The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
