Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
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