I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
