dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
