At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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