i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
