I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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