We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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