Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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