Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize