I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
