Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
