Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
