I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
