I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I made him laugh his dick is mine
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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