I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
