how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Randomize
