I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
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