Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
