i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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