Dude my mom stole all your condoms
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
