Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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