Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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