You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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