I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize