her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
