god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
