i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
