Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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