I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
