happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
