I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
