I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
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