She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
