Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
