My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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