She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
