if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
