Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
The power of my boobs compel you
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
