I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Randomize
