I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
