It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Sext me about skeletons
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Randomize
