My liver just broke up with me...
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
