well you can't waste a boner
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
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