I feel like abortions should bother me more
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
