her vagine was all disorganized.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
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